23, Single & Pregnant

This Sh*t Will Be Tougher Than I Thought...

Going back and forth like a game of ping pong. To be parents, or not to be parents. The two of us went back-and-forth for about a month and-a-half regarding how to move forward with the pregnancy. I was extremely indecisive during this time because I was completely confused, hormonal, and lost. I made my final, FINAL decision: to abort mission, eject baby from the ride. Try again later. I simultaneously decided to eject the father from my journey as well, and we broke up the same day. I was hurting and alone and numb. Couldn't decide what to do in my pain. I slept throughout my day. Attempted to starve it away. I took a couple of shots and smoked a blunt (Please don't try this at home! ). Used the pain I was in to "fuel my passions". But I was just numbing myself and not actually experiencing any true emotion. I acknowledged how I was feeling, but at a safe distance.

In realizing this, I reached for God's Word.

Numbing myself was a pattern, a habit that I wanted to let go of, and Let God transform. As I opened up and allowed God's presence to fill me, all of a sudden I began to mourn my child. I cried, wrote yet another song and poem, cried some more...

And then the Spirit spoke to me: "Speak life into your baby". It was unlike my other thoughts at the time, and it wasn't a doubtful, negative, or harmful thought but a good one. This is how I knew it was God's voice. So I spoke life into my 6 weeks old embryo by celebrating his/her life. With the abortion still in mind, I played mother-baby music on YouTube (that's not even a thing) and prayed over my child. I also searched baby dedication verses in the Bible. I was going to dedicate my child to Christ so he would wake up again in Heaven once my abortion was over. But the Spirit new exactly what he was doing… I began to actually speak life into my baby! A new hope and opportunity began to wash over me. A new option arose that broke the ping-pong rhythm I'd been operating in.

My relationship with my embryo's father began to flash across my memory, the bigger-picture relationship (I believe we as people have multiple relationships with others: a mother can also be a friend, an exercise coach, and a regular customer of her child's) . Key traits of the relationship and memories came to me; Genuine conversations on my apartment floor about our goals, ideas, our past, and about each other. Learning about one another and from one another. Discussions in quiet restaurants and dim coffee shops about how God is reflected through us and our individual callings to impact the world. Kitchen table talk about raising children, our commonalities and shared powers. When we first met there was a knowing. An understanding that touched deeper than familiarity. How I had met his family. How we took careful time to bond and understand one another. We could both see that in another space and time he and I could plant and sprout beautiful seeds and raise them into radiant and powerful people of society. Now just wasn't the space and time.

I snapped back to the present and began reading more dedication verses. Psalms 127: 3-5. A heritage. Our children are gifts from God to us, hand woven in the womb and wrapped all pretty in my belly. Created to carry on our greatness and our legacy. Although I was uncertain at this point about spending the rest of my life with the father as my partner, I was already given the desire to join in legacy. It was one of the wildest revelations I had ever received. He was meant to be the father of my child. What if our unborn baby is the next INSERT FAMOUS GOOD PERSON? I suddenly felt our child was destined for a great and purposeful life. I RE-re decided to keep our baby!

Now fast-forward a few weeks:

I'd gone through a period of really wanting keep our baby and start a family with him, a period of wanting to run away from the entire situation (I mentioned earlier how I ended up breaking up with baby daddy during this time, and scheduling abortion appointment #2 which I bailed on again), a period of considering adoption for the sake of our relationship, a period of wanting to throw myself down the stairs, sooo many different periods. The father's mindset remained pretty consistent. He ultimately chose himself and his goals and plans for the future, and was hoping I'd do the same. He believed a baby would hinder all the amazing things we had planned for ourselves, and that right now just wasn't time to be parents.

I agreed with him on most if not all things he felt and said. But the difference in me was that I didn't see our situation as us being able to decide whether or not we should become parents now. In my heart it was too late, I already felt like a parent. A mother. I was growing our child inside of me. And with each and every day that we 'politely' discussed our feelings and concerns, in my eyes, parenthood had already begun, and we were choosing to either relinquish our roles or accept them. I ultimately chose to accept. Yes, I felt fear for the unknown, fear for the timing of my pregnancy, fear of not being ready, fear of losing my freedom, fear of settling in life, etc. But I had grown the desire to keep our child.

And he ultimately chose to be selfish.

...We All Have Our Flaws.

We had so many late nights. Meetups. FaceTime conversations. Long iPhone paragraphs. Letters and blueprints to each other. Deep silences where our hearts were heavy. We hit several walls. So many sighs. Double the amount of tears. I am unable to describe it yet, but our relationship took a fragile turn. We were careful around each other... As much as I believed we were great for each other, we just could not come to a common ground with the pregnancy. It broke my heart. I imagine it broke his too.

By this time, my now fetus' father had decided to be 100% uninvolved. Completely uninvolved. I won't go into detail on what kind of man I know my child's father to be; traits, characteristics, and such, but I will say he is an admirable human, a caring individual, and a thoughtful partner.

However, we all have our flaws...

We had more super long conversations, meetups, and deep discussions. And even more tears. By this time the lease on my apartment was nearing an end, I still hadn't found a job, I didn't have a new place to stay yet as my lease was nearing an end, and baby daddy was set on being uninvolved. I was hoping that with time his fears would ease and he'd gradually grow into his role as a father, and love it like mine had, but something in my gut was telling me to take my a** back home to California (I was living in Washington, D.C.). So i used my last little bit of funds to purchase a quick flight home. The day of my flight home which was the following week, I had a previously scheduled ultrasound (at 11 weeks, 4 days) for that morning. I went by myself, all my luggage with me for later that day. The experience was extremely beautiful, and made my pregnancy seem real! I'll share a video of my very first ultrasound down below!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chPC9R9IZtI

Although I felt a tinge of sadness buried deep in my spirit, I was also filled with so much hope and joy, and love for my future and my future child. I had confidence and strength in my new role as a single mother. I didn't care about the possible negative opinions others may have had nor did I even think about them.

Things back home seemed to be going smoothly...

Then the thoughts came to me:

"What will the baby's last name be?"

...

"Who will sit with me and open gifts during baby shower?"

...

"It'll be my name only on the invitations..."

"Will I be the only person without their partner there attending birthing classes?"

And soooo many more thoughts.

All the baby apps I had downloaded shared couple-geared advice: How to massage your partner's belly or feet, sex during pregnancy, stimulating you partner's breasts for optimal milk production... The instagram gender reveal videos showed couples popping their balloons or slicing their blue or pink cakes together. Will my child resent not having their birth father in their life, or will it negatively impact him/her? Questions from concerned family and friends about who/what/when/where/why/how is my baby's father......

And not to mention, I wanted to hate this man so so bad, play the hurt victim, but I still cared for him, and thought about him often. He was on my mind very often...

I was hurt, yes. I felt like I wasn't good enough for him to want to step up. Or maybe he felt like having a child with me was settling. I was good enough to get pregnant, but not great enough to share the responsibility with. Maybe he felt like leaving me to be the single mother of his child was less of a risk than stepping up and missing out on a happier future with a better woman, better circumstances, etc. At times I felt resentful that I didn't get the abortion at 5 weeks when I had the chance to be free from the situation. I'm disappointed in myself for getting pregnant in the first place. I'm hurt/discouraged that I'm perpetuating the stereotype of young, single, black, pregnant chick. I'm saddened that I will be going this beautiful journey alone.

But still I am Determined

I am determined to overcome the negative thoughts that cross my mind. I am determined to make this experience as rewarding as I possibly can. I am determined to keep positive, to keep love in my heart/spirit, and to keep focused. I am determined to be the ultimate role model and mother to my child. I am determined to explore and exist in my fullest potential.